Hey Fam! You may remember me posting and vlogging about taking a 30 Day Positive Vibes Challenge last month. It was quite an experience and I’m really happy I went through with it. Each week was a discovery of new ways to heal, grow and take accountability. By the end of this challenge I had learned how to process my feelings toward others I was angry at in a more productive fashion, and feel like I am ready to let go of resentment, anger toward those who have hurt me, and forgive myself for hurting others.
By the 3rd week I did a lot of self reflecting, and it sucked. I stopped hyper-focusing on what everyone else did wrong, and concentrated on my own wrong-doings. I mourned over not managing my feelings properly and for lacking sensitivity toward others I have hurt a lot. Taking accountability is very hard when forced to accept those feelings. It’s easy to preach accountability, but difficult to take action from a true emotional standpoint.
During this process, I continued to focus on self-forgiveness. Often I’ve felt like a victim because I’ve had such an unstable family, experienced child and domestic abuse from a physical and emotional standpoint, and although I have declared that it isn’t the foundation of who I am, it really is, subconsciously. Shutting out people who have betrayed boundaries or trust is what I do best. I forgave not only those in my past who have hurt me, but myself for hurting them and others.
I love myself and am no longer living in fear of ridicule from anyone. I lived in fear from others that I left behind up until recently. It took a dreadfully long time for me to invite trust back into my life with my new partner, and even a couple of people online I truly consider my friends now.
I refuse to live in fear or expect others to fail me. Who the hell am I anyway? Yes, I am an awesome person, but also flawed. I’ve always expected others to treat me like I treat them; be the friend that will hop in their car and drive to your rescue knowing you’d never do the same in return, the spouse who continues to forgive despite history repeating itself, the daughter who has been disowned for the most random and sporadic reasons, the niece who is ignored because gossip holds more power than her own word… I can go on, but I wont. Bottom line, I am and always have been nobody’s daughter, and lived with a fake smile on my face for a long time and allowed the unhappy moments to dictate my present life.
I forgive myself for this as well. I forgave myself for allowing my life to be determined by the judgement of others, when they have failed to express compassion toward me. I forgive myself for hurting them with my actions, words and passive aggressiveness. I’ve always made bad choices in response to others hurting me, and I’ve always felt horrible for it.
Now, it’s time to move on. I accept that I have this new dynamic, and if trust is betrayed, I will be fine. I won’t act so high and mighty or god-like as if anyone owes me an explanation for their poor choices. I am also at peace with not allowing people to come and go as they please in my life or to treat me like I’m better off dead.
So, during this 30 Day Positive Vibes Challenge, I have learned to truly love myself, and to get my shit together. I can exercise, eat healthy and meditate all I’d like, but without facing my own faults and forgiving myself for them, there is no point. There is no point in baking the best chocolate chip cookie on the planet if you’re destined to dip it into spoiled milk. That was the worst analogy in the fucking world but I’m going to accept that I suck at this.
I am flawed, but I’m loyal to those who treat me properly. I have a wonderful new life and I didn’t get her by chance. I made it happen. I fought hard, mourned, lived in fear, and depleted myself in every area possible to be where I am today. I will continue to live in the moment, appreciate the beautiful new relationships in my life, and embrace the new dynamic I have with those who matter the most to me.
I sincerely wish the same for you. Life is insanely short, and I will say, although it sucks so much and you die inside when you make dramatic changes in your life, you start to slowly become reborn into someone better. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to forgive yourself and set a good example for others to follow. I feel happy without depending on anyone else to make me feel happy. I relied on my partner and even my kids for a while for my happiness, but now, it is easier to rest easily and be alone with my thoughts. The urge to turn negative is still there, but it’s much weaker than it ever has been in my 33 years of living.
30 Day Positive Vibes Posts
The 30 Day No Smack Talking Challenge – Here
First 24 Hours of Positive Thinking Toward Others – Here
Day 2 of Positive Thinking Toward Others – Here
Day 3 of Positive Thinking Toward Others – Here