As most of you know, I was recently in Honolulu, Hawaii about two weeks ago. In recent videos on my YouTube channel I’ve expressed my visa’s requirements to travel and renew my allowance into the country of Australia since I’m currently here. It’s been an insane process but I’ve learned so much about myself and my own strength during it all. My initial reason to visit Hawaii was to meet my children, who were in California with their father until their passport applications cleared and thought it would be best to meet them halfway in Hawaii instead of my going all the way to California, and turning right around.
I just have no desire to be in my home state right at this moment, despite me missing it all at once. We made the most of our weekend in Hawaii and it was an insane reunion. I missed my kids terribly and missed being able to tend to them, hang out with them, teach and guide them, which is my absolute most proud moment of my life, is being the person they look up to the most. My partner joined me in Hawaii which made me feel so loved, supported and happy. I… just really wanted that a lot and didn’t even have to really ask for it.
Our weekend was very fulfilling. I was surrounded by beauty, delicious new foods to try and become inspired by, and of course, my family. Although it was a bit stressful trying to pull off meeting the kids halfway from halfway around the world, it also made me realize how incredibly hard my partner and I have worked to make our relationship happen in a healthy and balanced manner. It definitely is challenging. I’ve been traveling back and forth from around the world for my family, and have taken the journey itself under my wing and allowing myself to grow more inspired to story tell.
While it’s easy to rely on your loved ones, or ones you wish loved you the way you need for your happiness, during this process I learned to rely on myself for happiness, not my partner, not my children, not my circumstances. I have stripped myself down to the bone these past couple of years and was in the most miserable state of my life. I hid it for the most part from you all because I wanted to focus on creating content and making others happy, but in that process I’ve learned that it’s okay to not be happy at times as long as you force yourself not to feel hopeless.
My family should reflect how good I feel about myself, and I should do that for them as well. My job as a parent, spouse or friend isn’t to paint this picture of a perfect life while others spectate insecurely; my job, my purpose in life is to photograph the beauty and the perniciousness that what life forces down our throats. So, while I was in Hawaii for a short weekend, I had an aesthetically and vain surface experience, but I also had a really deep and meaningful one as well. I had been wanting time to speed up for so long so I could be with the one I trusted after closing myself off for so long, and ran away across the world to do so. To take a chance, and then I fought so my kids could join me, partake on this amazing journey and feel secure and healthy.
I look back now, and although I am sad at times that my life had to really decay to it’s core in order for it to be built back up, I look back at the old Amby and see a miserable girl trapped in a body she hated, trapped in a relationship that she feared and surrounded by people who only responded to her texts or phone calls when they needed something from her.
This new Amby, this new woman who’s finally feeling like a woman and no longer a girl, doesn’t care anymore or need anyone’s approval to feel secure. I had to rely on myself in a survival mode for such a dreadfully long time and in that process I learned to become my own best friend, but I still continued to betray myself with dark, almost bleak at times thoughts. Now, I feel centered and mature.
So, this is what I learned about myself in Hawaii. I’m sorry that this isn’t another post or video showing off all the super cool stuff. I honestly had that intention but I have no idea where my writing ends up at times. I will however leave a link to one of my Hawaii Vlogs for you guys to check out if you haven’t already.
This is what really went on in my mind, and my intention isn’t to “share my story”, my intention is to help pull your story out of your own heart. Your life is too short and too precious to spectate. I spectated for so many years with this burning hopelessness in my heart to be my true self. I relied on the moods of other people to define my own feelings about myself which left me bitter, angry, heartbroken and confused. That tiny voice however, always pinched at my heart. It always told me, you deserve to make yourself happy.