Lately on Twitter I’ve been throwing hints about missing being anonymous. This is because when I was anon, most assumed I was a boy. I’d talk about guitars, being a line cook, video games, shows, and other important elements of my career and forms of entertainment I enjoy. Everyone I corresponded with stayed on topic. Nothing more, nothing less.
Although not my intention, I didn’t mind people assuming I was a guy. I found it quite amusing if anything but I understood the assumption. Then a selfie hashtag within a gaming community became popular so I showed my face. I had made so many friends throughout the course of 6 months or so, and enjoyed putting a face to a name with other anons I had befriended and it inspired me.
Since then, on many occasions, I’ve felt very uncomfortable due to remarks about my looks, sexual slurs, nude photos sent to my direct messages and my gender which sometimes leaves me in tears. It isn’t because I’m this fragile tumblr warrior. No. It’s because I’m a human being, and although I respect the rights of women who invite sexual comments and lewd attention, I’m simply not one of those girls. When I befriend you and you start to treat me like I’m some web cam attention whore with an Amazon wish-list, it hurts my feelings and I admit, my ego. Even if it’s a slight hint of that taste.
I don’t like it when people have to remark on my looks, make sexual jokes about being turned on, or tease me about wanting to see me in a lascivious manner. Especially after I’ve expressed my feelings and boundaries to them directly as calmly as possible, which honestly, I wish I didn’t have to.
It makes me uncomfortable when someone slides into my DM’s intoxicated and professes their love or admiration to me when I just want to be seen as a good friend or fellow shitposter. I honestly hate it so much because I’m not on the internet flaunting my body and I’m not flirting with others. So, why can’t people just see me as silly Amby who likes to shitpost, share a part of her heart when she uploads a guitar clip for her friends or talks about video games and makeup?
Some of you may think, wow Amby, you’re turning into a fucking SJW. That’s your opinion and you’re entitled to it. Difference is, I’m not demanding respect from anyone. I’m simply logging off, which is what people should do instead of throwing a tantrum when people don’t meet their criteria of unrealistic expectations.
I don’t need your respect. Am I hurt? Yes. Often. Simply because there is a large element of innocence to me and I hold an enormous level of sanctity for my intimate life which is saved for my partner only. All aspects of it. I share myself respectfully with just that person, not with the rest of the world. I don’t seek validation in that light and definitely won’t engage in that sort of behavior. I’m not permiscusous by nature and I like that about myself.
When I write, play guitar or create recipes, I’m speaking from my heart. Creating is my spirituality and I share that vulnerable side of me which I can’t express in person to anyone who wishes to invest a small amount of time in that which I offer. I receive validation from others when I know I make them a little happier or add value to their lives in some small way through my outlets.
I would like to be seen for my heart and aspirations, not judged, teased or praised at face value. I don’t find it flattering and I never have. It doesn’t mean I think girls who love flirty jokes, showing their tits and flaunting their bodies are below me. It’s just who THEY are. It doesn’t mean I want to be categorized with them on that particular scenario just like they wouldn’t want to be some stuck up bitch who gets her feelings hurt over a lewd slur like yours truly.
Perhaps my frustration is filtering my judgement. I’d like to let these remarks and gestures roll off of my back and continue to hold my head high with integrity and self respect. Right now, I feel angry and find myself hating ever showing my face online at times because when I was anon, my heart was more transparent. Now, it just feels a bit broken.