For those of you who’ve contacted me within the past year regarding my old blog, inactivity on YouTube and via Twitter, thank you. I know my blog, AmbyFelix, was not the center of anyone’s Universe, but it was a blog I had established for a couple of years and worked extremely hard at maintaining it’s health and integrity. I’ve had amazing opportunities because of that platform and met many of my friends online through blogging and even though I didn’t troll the #GamerGate hashtag, it was gaming and blogging combined which lead me to many of you, and also, I believe, ignited the death of AmbyFelix.com.
This post isn’t about telling “my story”. Nobody gives a fuck about your story, which is what I wish most bloggers would realize as it would be a contribution toward their desired success. The point of this entry is the realization that you can overcome terrible circumstances and be better for them. We live in an era where Social Justice Warriors submerge themselves into their pity. Everyone these days has a fucking special title with a negative overtone which they allow to be the foundation of their being. I’d like to at least use my platform and contribute to the opposing idea that we we should all hug and cry about our fabricated struggles.
In the midst of my blogging disappearance, I was having an extremely tough year. I had real-world circumstances which could lead anyone into a depression, and at the time, I wasn’t even aware I was depressed. I didn’t cry for help, engage in destructive activities or walk down the road of mid-life crisis; I simply started to shut down. When my blog was doxxed, I didn’t even care at the time. Despite generating income to live off of, dedicating more hours on and offline than I’d like to admit, I just didn’t give a fuck about it. I had so much happening, I simply opened the door, bitter and annoyed, and motioned it to walk on in. I will say, at least I don’t suffer from Twitter PTSD. (top kek)
I was reunited with my mother, (who was estranged on and off for about 15 years) due to her being diagnosed with cancer. It’s a scary feeling when you’re emotionally shut down from an unstable relationship with the only parent you have to all of a sudden thinking you may lose them. I already lost one parent in early childhood, and had always dreamed of a healthy relationship with this one. It took cancer for us to get our shit together and start communicating. I felt immense guilt, shame, fear and resentment toward myself and toward the circumstance, but I felt nothing but love and forgiveness toward my mom. It was the first time in my life I felt vulnerable as a daughter, so I had to adjust and be strong for her. It was the first time I’ve seen her vulnerable too and it brought us close together.
I pretended to be happy for years. I went through a vicious cycle of hope, resentment, fear and denial with the person I glamorized and idolized since high school. I wanted to give my children the life I never had, but instead, I was introducing them to exactly what I had to endure and witness. It took every ounce of courage that I didn’t think I had to break free from this relationship with the intention to heal and be at peace with myself. Divorce taught me to put myself first. You are the puppet master and at first feel immense guilt when others around you are effected, but you realize at the end of the day, all of those people, family and mutual friends from childhood aren’t really contributing to your happiness anyway so, why are you so worried about what they think? You have to live life by your own standards, not by everyone else’s.
My grandmother was the adult I felt most comfortable around as a child. She had a major role in raising me and I always felt confident and cared for by her. It was with her I felt like I could be myself. I didn’t feel like an annoyance or an afterthought. It was with my grandmother, I learned how to cook, clean, care for others, laugh when shit went wrong and move forward. I learned a lot about inner strength when she passed away. I kept composed while everyone else was falling apart. It took every ounce of my being to try to keep it together for my entire family. It was almost like this spiritual experience for me and I don’t even think I can take credit for it entirely for some reason. I watched her struggle, grow comfortable, and then pass. While everyone was shutting down or losing their composure, I had to maintain mine. When my entire family told me how proud they were of me, it was the one time I felt appreciate by them.
After looking back at such a bitter year, I’m happier for it. I learned how to let go, forgive, and decided to take care of myself, since it was the only thing I had control over at the time. I hit the gym, started running again, trimmed down a bit, and once the air cleared I decided to launch multiple blogs and pour my inspiration into them with the hopes of not only doing what I love for a living, but inspiring others to do the same through perseverance, patience and consistency and as someone extremely important in my life reminded me recently, remembering to enjoy the present. 🙂 I love you.